Questions, questions, questions

People don’t come to therapy to share celebrations in their lives. They come because something doesn’t feel good. They come hoping for relief. There is a sort of western mentality to therapy. One that almost insists on positive results and instant healing. I feel bad for those of us who subscribe to this mindset. Its an empty promise.

While we have this mindset about wanting results quickly we also “know” all the clichés about therapy: it’s a process, it’s a journey, it takes time, it never ends J! I do subscribe to those ideas however trite they may sound because it is never ending. Its an internal investigation. Its spiritual spelunking.

It seems we are always searching. For what? Peace within. And how to we approach this task of finding peace? Mostly by identifying what we don’t like about ourselves and trying to get rid of it. That is the common misconception: we are flawed and we need to change. We are at a deficit and we need to obtain something to make us whole. This lead to battle with ourselves. We want to change but its really hard so we create distractions, addictions and start blaming others. All of those make us feel even worse.

Then we end up in therapy. “Make it stop!” is the underlying message we walk in the doors silently screaming. My question to you is, “What are you willing to do?” You enthusiastically respond, “ANYTHING! I’m miserable! I want relief NOW!”. The western mind takes over.

Are you really willing to get to know yourself? Do you even want to get to know yourself? Because if you do then you might feel worse before you feel better. You might start investigating and find some scary stuff. You will run in to your ego. Your ego is your resistance and your fear. Are you willing to face your fears? Are you willing to go into dark places and be vulnerable? Are you willing to itch and itch and itch and not scratch? Are you willing to hold on tight and then let go? Where is your trust? Where is your faith? Where is your love for yourself? Okay, enough questions for now.

We are always seeking ground. A firm place that we have created and from which we safely rule our lives. We seek something solid, but we are constantly in a hurricane. The firm place is within us. Within you. You have to be like Alice in Wonderland and just fall once in a while without trying to grasp onto anything. Are you willing to do that? I love the quote from Louisa May Alcott, “I am not afraid of storms because I am learning to sail my ship.” Brilliant.

Are you willing to learn to stay with yourself while you are in pain, in the storm? Your pain is your treasure. There is no difference between your enlightenment and your neuroses. We just categorize one as good or bad. They are both simply experiences. Grief feels like hell. It hurts and we are alone and we are scared and we are powerless. So, that means grief is bad, right? No. It is just grief. It is a fear that is closer to us than we desire it to be. It is reality that we have tried so hard to push away. It is the reality of our attachments. It is a teacher.

So, can you choose to stay with yourself in grief? That is the most gentle, loving thing to do. Staying with yourself in the agony and the ecstasy. Fully experiencing the emotion. That is life in its fullest essence. It is choosing to be present. It is how you get your internal grounding. You discontinue avoidance and choose experience. Its not easy, but it is possible.

There is a story about ravens. They are fearless birds. They thrive in storms. They demonstrate some great qualities about facing fear. They clamp their claws on to the branch and they brace themselves for the wind and they let the wind come and they hold on tight until they cant anymore. Then they decide to let go and let their wings hold them on the wind and they soar. They trust their wings. They know they will land again. But for now, it is a ride that has no end and it is unpredictable and they let that be the experience.  

I don’t think we trust ourselves. I don’t think we love ourselves. That is why we are afraid of self searching. We don’t know what we will find. And we don’t have enough gentleness and grace to be loving to ourselves in the fumbling around stage. Practicing staying present with yourself is your greatest gift to you. Somehow we missed the message that if we were “bad” or “wrong” that we were undeserving and thus abandoned. Now we do it to ourselves. I wish that weren’t so. Our unworthiness is a barrier to our hearts true desire to connect and receive love. And it isn’t the truth. We just aren’t unworthy.

So are you willing to sit with yourself and be quiet and listen to what your SELF is saying? You might feel anxious or sad and even cry or yell. All of that is welcome. Can you love yourself just enough to stay with yourself for a moment and begin to shift this idea that you need to change you? Can you stop being aggressive towards yourself? Do you have the patience to feel uncomfortable and stay there? Can you trust another person to support and witness your spelunking?

(Man, what is it with me and questions today? J)

Try it for a few minutes a day. Just sit and breathe and see what happens. Spend some time with yourself. If you get scared, its okay. Just get up and walk around, but don’t distract yourself YET. If you get judgmental or critical, its okay. Think of a person or your pet – someone that loves you unconditionally. Imagine them looking into your eyes and sending you love. You are seeing them loving you. Now, step into their shoes and see yourself through their eyes. See you as you right now. In your fear, in your anger, in whatever experience you are having and see their love for you. Let yourself experience that love for just a moment. It will change you. Just like the breath will change you. It is simple. You will always come back to the branch and be able to hold on and be safe – like the ravens. You will not die from getting to know yourself. You will be okay. Your ego will be restless and that is fine. It is expected. See yourself as loved and say to your nagging ego, “not yet sweet pea” (or whatever adoring name you like J). Its just fear. So meet it with love and see what happens.