Georgia on my mind: a lesson in letting it be

Recently my family lost a member of our pack. In our family we have equal representation of humans and canines. Georgia was our second canine representative. Georgia was a free spirit. She was fast, agile, smart and feisty. She came from a long line of foster homes and was at first hesitant to let her guard down, but soon determined this move was permanent and settled in. We watched as over the months she came more into her personality. Each time we paused for a moment we were amazed and encouraged by her ability to trust yet another family. We had big plans for our family and we enjoyed each other immensely. There are so many favorite memories that I cannot choose one to express our deep connection. We were complete and planning to stay that way for years.

Then it happened.

Our lives changed in an instant. Georgia followed her animal instincts and chased a squirrel into the road and was hit by a car. You can call it fate, destiny, whatever you want, but it didn’t console us in the least. A major light in our lives was extinguished and we were left grasping for answers. Why now? Why her? Why us? What did we do wrong? We were good parents right? She was finally settled! She was safe, well taken care of, loved beyond words and then she was gone. I have experienced loss before, but this one plunged deep. I questioned everything: life, existence, destiny, faith, purpose and a few other biggies. But I got stuck on the whys. It made no sense. Everything was perfect for us. We worked well together. Why would God take that away?

Yes, I am talking about a dog. Some of you will understand immediately that dogs aren’t really dogs and some of you will wonder why it’s such a big deal to lose a pet. Well, this is about grief. And grief is grief whether it’s a person, a car, a wish, a job, a relationship, or an animal. The point is - loss is hard. It rocks your foundation. You see, we had plans! Plans to go back to the beach and start camping and do agility training. But there we were – no certainty, no predictability, no safety, no Georgia. Being a control freak, I realize sometimes life humbles you in order to make necessary changes, but why did Georgia have to be the catalyst?

I love my family and was attached to our routine. I wanted things to stay the same or get better. Now I was faced with exploring unattachment. Buddha said “life is suffering…when one is attached…” I was attached to my idea of what life should be. I put a lot of energy into the plans I had for our future. I was safe in those thoughts. Georgia’s death was a reminder of the reality of change. I was powerless and scared. Fear is so hard on your Spirit. It comes from not accepting what is currently happening in your life, not getting what you strongly desire. I desired consistency and predictability. I was attached to the outcome of my desires.

Our ego believes if our desire doesn’t manifest then life will be unbearable and, even more hard-hitting, that we are somehow unacceptable.

THIS MUST HAPPEN! (“This” being a job, a pregnancy, a house, a relationship, etc.)

Mine was, “MY FAMILY MUST STAY TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME!”

But, there are no guarantees. We know this. We have an innate knowledge about how life works. It changes. But our egos are so fragile that they resist that knowledge and fear emerges. “NO! Don’t take this away from me or I’ll die!”

I don’t do well with “unprepared for fear”. But I really had no choice because I was knocked off my feet. So I let myself free-float for a while. I have learned enough about fear to know that I had to embrace it or it would consume me. (I pulled a George Castanza and did exactly what I didn’t want to do! J) I rode the wave of the emotion. I stayed with my fear of uncertainty. I screamed, cried, thrashed about, hit my pillow, curled up in my husband’s lap, hung on to my other dog Marley, slept, didn’t sleep, isolated, called everyone I knew, cursed God and the other Powers in the Universe, wrote poetry, fed myself and went back to work. It was a rollercoaster and I stayed strapped in.

But get this - I knew the feeling would change. See, that is the beauty of life. We are in constant transition. So I just waited for the feelings to come and go. I seriously looked at this experience as a way of learning more about how I make life hard by fearing life’s cycles. Change is everywhere and sometimes we even welcome it: Spring from a cold Winter, a new job, new exercise program. I used this opportunity to practice the mindset of allowing life to unfold. Letting it be. (Paul McCartney was a smart man.) I remembered and forgot this mindset often throughout the first few weeks. I questioned myself when I wasn’t crying because I thought that meant I was “over” Georgia and I didn’t want to lose her memory. But then it shifted to letting myself enjoy smiling instead of crying when I looked at her pictures. My ego was extremely uncomfortable with this experiment, but I kept telling myself that I was okay. I had friends to talk to that really understood the importance of animals in my life, and I had my husband, Marley, Ben & Jerry’s, running and yoga.

I let Georgia’s loss teach me how my thoughts were causing pain. I simultaneously worked hard and allowed my thoughts to move from questioning and holding on, to accepting. I had limited time with Georgia and that was okay. She didn’t have a “less than” life because it didn’t fit my timeline. She lived fully and enjoyed her time with us. She had her own timeline. I wasn’t calling the shots. My desires didn’t precede her life purpose. She had her own journey and our paths crossed for a period to time. It wasn’t nearly long enough, but it did happen. I learned to be grateful. I remembered to live in the moment. My worldview was changing once again.

Shifting our perceptions is difficult. We have to encourage awareness of ourselves and our motivations. We do this by practicing mindfulness: present moment awareness. We cultivate our witness consciousness so we can look at ourselves and our situations without judgment. We simply notice what is happening and how we are responding and we make a choice to change our means of reacting. We learn to be gentle with ourselves and have compassion for our transitions. We don’t expect too much and we let ourselves ‘practice’ being. We believe we have exactly what we need at each moment and we start practicing faith. This writing won’t magically create acceptance of loss, but hopefully it will give you ideas to ponder.

I guess I am grateful for Georgia’s passing. I know that sounds strange, but I realize now that I am not in control. God, the Universe, Source, Buddha, whomever you believe in, is working behind the scenes in the play of our lives. Georgia was a player in my production and I in hers. I wish she was still here, but I believe she has other spirit work to do and I experience her presence in subtle ways and am not separated from her. The way she left was tragic to me and my family, but the best way for her to exit this life – running and chasing a squirrel – having fun. I know it was an accident and I know I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. I also know it hurts like hell some days. But my heart and my Spirit tell me that nothing stays the same and this was another transition in all the lives involved. I don’t see that as diminishing our relationship, but rather honoring what we had together.