What the heck does it take to change anyway !?

For most of us life is about getting through the day and still liking ourselves by the end. I know, that may sound a little pessimistic, but in the time we live in, it often feels as if we are constantly swimming up stream. Our workload, our kid's schedules, our spouse's 'requests', the house upkeep, neighborhood responsibilities, church responsibilities, family-of-origin responsibilities...I know you know what I'm talking about - its a lot to handle.  So, how do you manage to keep all of these plates spinning and do your personal (emotional, mental, spiritual) work at the same time?

What do I mean about "personal work"? You know...starting that exercise program you made a resolution about last January, or finally getting the dining room table cleaned off, or taking that quilting/cooking/Tai Chi/meditation/beadwork/scrapbooking/Parenting, etc. class. "Personal work" often comes after all the seemingly 'real' responsibilities are taken care of. "I can't really take that scrapbooking class until..." and the excuse list is endless. "Personal work" is about finding out who you are. You know your Roles  already - parent, boss, spouse, friend, daughter, on and on - but I'm talking about the real you - the internal you - the True Self - the person buried under the responsibilities - yes, that you. "Personal work" is about uncovering what you forgot about yourself. "Personal work" is about change. And not a lot of people welcome change. Change is too hard, never sticks, takes time that you don't have, and again the litany of excuses prevails.

But I know you have things about you that need tweaking. (That is just another word for change!) And I know you have tried before to make shifts (yet another word for change! ) in your daily routine. And I know you have been unable to follow through with making these changes. And I know you have said bad things about yourself to yourself, and maybe even others, because you are swimming up stream with this change thing. So what gives? How do you make changes in your life when you have a busy schedule and it is just too damn hard! And how come other people seem to make it work and you can't! Want some hints? Thought so...

First, you have to admit to yourself that the way you are currently doing things is not fulfilling.  We typically don't realize the impact of our behavior until we have some sort of wake-up call - a health scare, a relationship ending, a less than perfect work review - anything that gets us out of our comfort zone and out of our denial. Our world is shaken a bit and we start to contemplate a change. 

Second, we need to understand that it is possible to make changes in our life.  We are naturally rote beings.  We blindly follow the pathways in our brains and the patterns established by our families.  So change appears almost impossible at times. Not true! Once we have the shake-up and we acknowledge the problem we are in a prime space to make a shift.  Rats can be trained to run a maze in a different way, dogs can be trained to fetch a ball even if they aren't a Retriever,  so people can be "trained" to act differently.  This step asks us to look at the way we think and how we talk to ourselves.  Self-talk is a powerful tool or weapon for creating our feelings and reactions to the world.  Self-talk shows us how we see the world - our perspective.  With a lousy and pessimistic perspective we can bet on seeing change as impossible.

Third, you have to want to change.  Really.  You have to have an intense desire and longing for the change.  You have to be so damn tired of the way you are doing things that you become somewhat desperate, and therefore lessen your defenses.  This means you have an opening in your thought pattern.  You have a mustard seed of faith that things can be different.  Some people believe setting an intention for the change is all that's needed.  They are right.  Intention means you believe.  You can see yourself doing the new behavior.  Again, thought patterns are shifting and you are changing your beliefs.

Fourth, you tell someone about your intention and desire.  You make yourself accountable.  This is a hard step because you are being vulnerable.  You are admitting not only to yourself that things are going "right", but also to someone else.  You can't make changes alone.  At least not easily.  Why do you think AA and Weight Watchers and Team in Training programs work?  When we realize we are vulnerable change can take place.  When we show others our vulnerability we receive grace.  Grace is a biggie.  It is one of the key factors for change.  We are going to slip and miss a meeting, or eat poorly,  or skip a training session, and left to our own brains,  we will fall back into negative self-talk and spiral downward.  With a support system, we have accountability and grace when we fall.  We realize we are not alone in this struggle.

Fifth, (not many more steps to go!) slow down.  Begin to put some space between your typical impulsive and reactive tendencies and thoughts.  Cultivate awareness about yourself and your behavior.  Using mindfulness, which is present moment awareness, you can begin to tap into your objective, spectator, witness self.  Another biggie for change:  being able to notice what triggers make you skip exercising one day, or pick up a beer.  Knowing your triggers is like money in the bank.  Triggers are your landmines.  They are people, places, things, words, feelings, that trip you up.  If you know your triggers, you have a map of your landmines and you probably won't walk on them as easily.  You can recognize a trigger by reviewing a situation where you acted out a pattern that is hurting you.  You look back and break down the incident step by step and recall the thoughts and feelings right before you acted blindly.  After you identify the trigger it will be in your awareness and you begin to look out for it before you act.  You can use grace by asking yourself, "Do I really want to do this right now?" "Is this situation really the way I am seeing it?"  Cultivate awareness.  Slow down.

Lastly, love yourself.  By this point you might actually be noticing change take place and feeling okay about yourself.  Good.  But practice this step as soon as possible, don't wait until the end.  Oh, and patience.  Almost forgot that.  Recognize that transformation (see another word for change!) is not a one time fix-it process.  It is stepping forward and backward.  Change is hard on the mind and body.  Your Spirit is all for it because it brings you closer to your True Self, but the body and mind lag behind.  They can't integrate change quickly.  They see where you want them to be and they go ahead, but then they go, "Wait! Stop! I don't want to do this anymore!  It's too hard!".  They need a "recalibration" time after change is initiated. 

But you will soon begin to realize, with your mindfulness practice, your support system, your grace,  self-love and patience that even when it seems you are falling back into old habits that you are actually in a new place.  A new "default" position.  You will notice that you catch yourself more quickly,  you identify triggers faster, you react slower, and less intensely.  You experience compassion for yourself.  Yet another biggie for change.  This compassion with yourself and belief that change happen makes all the difference.

In closing, think of how you would react to your child learning to walk or ride a bike.  Would you scold him for falling?  Would you tell him he will never be able to ride on his own?  Would you seriously doubt his ability to master this skill?  Or would you encourage him, give him lots of time and space, love him when he falls and praise him when he makes a tiny step forward. This is how you need to be with yourself through change.  Grace.  Compassion.  Awareness.  Support.  

I know you can make the changes necessary for a fulfilling life.  Hey, if I can train for a marathon (see Team in Training link) then you can do anything you damn well want to!  So,  just do it!

*Special thanks to all my therapists and friends who have helped me see my potential and held me accountable through lots of major transitions.  And thanks to Yoga Journal and Changing for Good for the research used in this article.